the stuff that brings on panic attacks

these days i often start by making a list. the list begins with what is in my bank account. then down the list are all the expenses throughout the month, and what deposits are coming in. working through the math the numbers dwindle and i start to panic. i look at my credit card (which is almost maxed) to see how much more i can use over there. the looking-into-every-trash-can-for-scraps method and cashing in jars of coins to make grocery money - which is always the flexible amount that gets reduced to zero once all the other expenses have gone through.

things are getting really, really tight. i was at a free concert the other day, and while the music drifted my mind was trying to do this sort of math. it's a special sort of anxiety that is hard to block out. i start having thoughts about the mistakes i've made, from purchasing the expensive organic milk to going out too much with friends to putting off my student loans too many times. i'm spoiled, and i've been selfish. i should have sacrificed more and now i'm really paying for it.

i wanted a career, i wanted to be an architect that would blaze around the office with ideas and design. i never knew that it would always boil down to the dollar, that my cost was too much and i was let go. i thought i was making something of myself, i thought that with a few more years and with time i would eventually get some respect and money in my field to pay back all that i've taken. now i'm 30, unemployed, struggling to pay the bills, and i'm crying a lot of the time because everything feels so out of control. it's way worse now than it was when i was scraping by and eating pbj in college. the level of pathetic expands and feeds on fear and seems to have no bounds.

this probably makes it worse, but i've started thinking about what i want to come. i want an outdoor garden. a piano. a dog. i've been reading a lot of travel blogs, watching the travel channel, and this where the hell is matt video on repeat. with that video i just start bawling, i'm not sure why, but it's this really oppressive feeling of being so incredibly trapped that overwhelms me. people say as an architect i should see europe, and i agree, but i've been wanting to see europe for so many years now. i just don't ever have the money. some people just don't understand that concept. "just save up for a while! use a credit card! backpack on the cheap!" it's not a matter of backpacking on the cheap, or starting at zero and saving up from there. it's that i am in such great debt that there is no such thing as saving. doing nothing isn't even free - living, being alive, standing still and breathing costs money. constantly owing. when everything is valued by the dollar, and you owe every dollar to someone else - what is your worth?