drop out of life with study guides in hand

i became saturated with information and the pressure had gotten to a point where i actually felt stressed. it's been a while since i've felt this much weight that i didn't quite know how to handle the load. around midnight i called my parents. my dad answered and i told him i was taking a licensing exam the next day, and that i was worried. he told me i'd do fine, that i'm intelligent and capable and all sorts of reassuring things. i broke at that point, tears started falling and my throat swelled up. i admitted to my limits - that it was very hard to remember everything, that i try to deliver what these exam people want but i just don't know if i'm doing it right. that it's a lot of money to waste if i get it wrong. mostly though, i told him i didn't want to disappoint him. he with the four children and not one that has gone off to do well for themselves. he with the phd in quantum chemistry. there's something to prove there, and i know it's stupid of me to put that on myself but i can't let go of the idea that i need to be the smart one that doesn't fall apart, that can achieve and take care of myself after he's gone.

my dad got tired of listening to me crying, so he called over my mom and put her on the phone. she was taking her time, so i overheard him say "she just needs some encouragement. tell her everything is going to be alright." then my mom comes on the line and deadpans "everything is going to be alright." which made me laugh for about a full minute. so that's where i get that from.

it was good to talk to them, however short. i went to bed and feel completely fine right now. i may pass, i may not, but by going in and actually doing it i get a glimpse of their guessing game to better prepare myself for next time.