the fool

"The Fool is the spirit in search of experience. He represents the mystical cleverness bereft of reason within us, the childlike ability to tune into the inner workings of the world. The sun shining behind him represents the divine nature of the Fool's wisdom and exuberance, holy madness or 'crazy wisdom'. On his back are all the possessions he might need. In his hand there is a flower, showing his appreciation of beauty. He is frequently accompanied by a dog, sometimes seen as his animal desires, sometimes as the call of the "real world", nipping at his heels and distracting him. He is seemingly unconcerned that he is standing on a precipice, apparently about to step off."

i may have made this post before. i may be going in circles, never learning from my mistakes. my mistakes - which are so humble and easy for every one else to puzzle out, yet i still struggle stuck here at the beginning. my beginning which was everyone else's five years ago - those that have moved on and figured out how not to get involved in such stupidity. "it's their loss" - in reality is actually my own loss, of time and effort, pride and energy. yes i get it. not direct but subtle enough for signs delivered to be read loud and clear.

this is what i deserve, i suppose. karma coming back to me for not settling for less. it's been a rough week, i can't seem to do right in any situation. i want to drop off the planet and be done with everything. say goodbye to all these people, all this bullshit, and just fucking focus on my own crap. the way i did that one year when i actually designed something good, oh so long ago. is it worth it? i'm so behind. in everything i do, i don't take risks and i try to control what the end result will be to the point of where i don't damage until now, until this week where everything out of my control just collapses into a giant pile of failures.

i'm trying to disconnect. i tell myself not to care, i'm too old for this, etc. i see the drama and i step away, or maybe pretend i don't care and laughing it all off when really i am dying inside. i wonder if anyone knows how much i lie to the world. i am the worst liar ever but not one ever seems to notice.