time bomb

i am slowly becoming someone i don't like. i'm that person at work, kind of uptight, control freak, doesn't smile, makes your day suck. i hate what i'm working on, i'm resentful and jealous of what others get to do, and there just isn't any respect to speak of, so why do i bother? why do i stay late, struggling to meet ridiciulous deadlines? why don't i say "no i can't do it all, go fuck yourselves?" instead i have become the passive aggressive time bomb that mutters irritations under her breath. the stress creeps up, not giving any warning but just sort of settling in, a slow boil. i don't consider myself the sort to be stressed, but i think because i'm not typically this way i don't really know how to resolve it either.

i ride my bike angry, which could be dangerous if i don't pay attention. i curse at every other car, blame others as much as possible for getting in my way. MOVE! i want to scream and scream as i ride back and forth in this mindnumbing routine of day in day out the same old shit blurring together until there is no distinction, until i try to use my work keys to get into my apartment building, until i feel like i'm always in this elevator going back and forth, up and down, hating the work but grateful for money.

money. money is the root of all this bullshit. i think about money everyday. not the daydreaming sort "if i had a million dollars i would..." i don't even know how to daydream anymore. i am balancing my account constantly, retooling how much i allow myself to spend. alloting things so i can get by, so i can eat at the end of the month. trimming the fat, no more drinking no more movies no more candy. at work i'm forced to think about money, budget this design, make this deadline, where can we cut corners. at home it's student loans, bills, rent. large expenses crop up - repairs, dead computer, cavities. the management company for my building lost my rent check or it never arrived in the mail, do i write a new one and cancel the old, it's $15 to cancel a check, what if the old one comes and they cash BOTH? can i even trust the postal service anymore? living in the grand canyon of debt, the land of paycheck to paycheck - i have never had savings. i will never be able to save. people save up, people buy houses. i draw them, but i will never own one. i just don't exist in that realm of possibility.

i've pulled away from some "friends" in hopes that focusing on my studies will yield better results for my future. sometimes i hear about fun things going on, but i try to resist caving in. i wasted so much of this summer just drinking and messing around and making mistakes and not getting anything done. it was fun, i guess, but there is nothing to show for it. i'm still not licensed, i'm still not respected at work, i'm still not legally allowed to call myself an architect even though that's what i am. i'm tired of this rut, i'm tired of this hate, i am tired of this fucking whining bullshit crap. i'm even sick of me at this point.

next exam will be in october, once i schedule it. before or after my vacation, i don't know. yes, vacation. my first paid vacation since i was laid off three years ago. i could study on the trip, get more learning in while i can. or i could cram it all in the next three weeks, just fucking take it and hope for the best. the plan is to schedule it for before i go, and pay the $35 to reschedule it for later if i don't feel confident enough. confidence is everything. the one exam i passed i went in there with a degree of certainty. the problem with this kind of confidence is you can't bullshit your way into it - it's going to take some hard hours in the books this next month to make this happen.