i forgot i had a blog. hello blog.

i passed that last exam. two down, five to go. i've got a plan - take the rest this year and get licensed NOW not later. no more fucking anxiety about this shit. i mean, yes, there will be anxiety. can't stop that monkey. where there is anxiety there will be effort. no point crying in a corner, cry facing forward so everyone can see your ugly snotty reindeer red nose. beep! this next one coming up is a doozy, but i'll buckle down and through as i've done before. or get kicked down again, whatever the case may be. i know if i have to retake any of these i'll fucking obliterate it 6 months later. the first round is full of doubt. the second round is just straight up anger. so, onward.

there are a few study breaks. my alcohol tolerance is low. my mistakes (though my appearances are less frequent) are at an all time high. sometimes i worry what others think. sometimes i think about where i will be in a few years and who i will be friends with then. does any of this nonsense matter? this peter pan playground with self proclaimed non-hipster clones? can i just continue to blaze a trail of stupidity, only to disappear and be replaced by another idiot in their twenties-thirties, making the same mistakes but with an hbo show to prove it? can i? just keep? going? with no? fucking? idea? only? questions? wurrhh?

who will i be friends with then. my cat has a lump on her belly, i found it the other day while petting her. we're going into the vet soon to get things checked out. i realize that i am very vulnerable when it comes to animals and completely guarded around human beings. so when relationships with people falter and they disappear my thickened skin can handle it. with animals... not so much.