little by little

Dear Mara,

A friend recommended doing some writing to work through this time. Today is the first day of my life without you. Yesterday, you were in so much pain that I had to let you go. I hope now you understand why I had to do the things that I did - the needles, the pills, the shoving you in a crate against your will and taking you to a strange place with strange people. I hated doing all of that. I hated hurting you and I did not want you to suffer anymore than you already had.

Your life was so precious, but our bodies tend to fail us over time. My body is getting older too and I'm starting to know the difference - I don't heal up as fast, or as completely. I need more sleep, I get tired more easily. I can't run around like a young kitten anymore - I'd rather curl up and take lots of naps, like you did. Remember our naps together, on those lazy Sundays? Those were the best. Our time here on earth is limited. I loved every moment of time that I had when you were here. 8 wonderful years. Thank you for being here for me.

I have this fear of what other people think, so I don't vocalize as much with them about what's happened. I'm not ashamed of my love for you but I just don't think they will get it, and it's not something I can easily explain. I love and give more to animals than I do with people. I don't think they would understand the kind of love and how much I had for you. To some, they think you are just a cat! Yet to me, you were my family. You were my little kitty girl. My fuzzy bunny. My kitty babe. My lovely one. So many nicknames for one little cat.

My room feels so empty without you. I have all this stuff - all these stupid books and furniture - and none of those matter, none of those fill that empty space in here the way you did. You were movement, you were softness. You were sweet and polite. When I turned to you and you looked back and walked over to me, my heart lifted. When you met me at the front door of the apartment every time, my heart lifted. Someone was happy to see me! Someone was hungry! I had to nudge you away from the door and say, Let me in! and you would back up and gaze out into the hallway, wondering about that space beyond. And in the mornings, oh man. You would wake me up by stomping on my hair, nuzzling my face, staring at me with those big big eyes. My fuzzy little alarm clock, so much better than any blaring alarms. How will I get to work on time without you here to coax me up? Those rituals of ours are broken now. I have no more fuzzy shadow following me around. I have to be here on my own, I have to relearn how I live in my home without you.

The way I'm feeling and acting is kind of pathetic, I know. Writing a letter to a departed cat? Cats can't read! Also pathetic is the whining and crying I'm doing - this searing, stabbing pain in my throat and heart is nothing compared to the pain you were going through those last few weeks. A pain so fierce you could barely respond to any pets I would give. That's when I knew something was really wrong. It was a very difficult choice I had to make, not to put you through all those procedures. I didn't want to cause you more pain. I just wanted the pain to stop. No one as sweet and precious as you should have to feel that way. Unfortunately, your life had to stop for the pain to end. Though I don't carry any real beliefs of any afterlife, I hope if you do still exist there is no pain there. I hope you remember me and how much I loved you.

I am trying to move on, to have a life without you in it. It's hard. Every little thing reminds me of you. All the spots you would nap in, all your toys scattered everywhere. This house was as much yours as it is mine. You imprinted yourself quite well, and now everything feels haunted. I pace around, hoping to see you in one of your spots, but all is quiet and empty. A friend told me that it will hurt less as time goes on, little by little. I want the pain to go away, but I don't want the memories of you to fade. It's hard though, because they will fade and I can't stop that from happening. Memories are wonderful gifts of the past, but they fade and alter and sometimes disappear completely. Remember me taking so many pictures of you, how annoying that was? I keep looking at those pictures, wanting to sear your image into my brain. I wish my hands could hold onto the feeling of how soft your fur was, around your ears and chest and belly. The feeling of you brushing against my legs. I wish I could hear your little prrt noise that made when you jumped down and landed. Your little kitty cry noise when you were hungry, and demanding I pay attention to you! The quietest purr heard only if I leaned in really close.

My little bunny.

I loved to kiss your little kitty head, on the top of the little M marking of your fur. I loved how you would be standing one minute and plopped over on your side the next, looking at me expecting pets which of course I supplied. I loved to rub your soft soft belly fur, and when you stretched underneath my hand and kneaded your paws, I knew you loved it too. I loved watching tv with you on the couch behind me so I could reach back and pet you, I loved turning off the tv and saying Bedtime! and you would follow me to our bedroom.

There was an author that wrote about dæmons, which are companions that are a external physical manifestation of a person's 'inner-self' that takes the form of an animal. A piece of your soul, outside yourself. When a dæmon is separated too far from their person it caused them both pain. When a dæmon died the connected human fell apart. Unlike the books though, my body is fine. It is just my soul that needs healing. You were a part of me.

There are a lot of other memories to write about, but I have to stop writing for right now. I have to get up out of bed (without my fuzzy alarm clock to wake me) and I have to shower. I have to go through the motions for a while. I have to wash the tears off my face and do something with my life. I have to figure out and deal with this grief. There is the past with you, which was so beautiful. There is the future without you - which hurts, but time requires that I must continue forward. I have our memories to take with me. I had 8 wonderful, wonderful years.

I love you. I love you. I love you. My sweet baby girl. Rest in peace.