a sleepy smile

my tumblr is like the rest of my life - uncommitted, detached, and filled with stuff other people have done so i don't have to think about what i haven't done. there is so much easier than here because there is no risk or effort involved. anyway. i did make one post on my tumblr that is more personal and probably belongs here.

i've come to realize a few other things - i will be 29 soon, and another year later i will be 30. this was the goal i set for myself in terms of new york - i'd give it til i'm 30. i am wondering what i'm doing here, still, yet i wonder what i would do elsewhere. i'm not a driven career vampire, i know that for sure. i'm tired a lot, mentally and physically. i don't have what it takes to interact with the world the way i should. i'm content enough, i guess. maybe.

i think i'm retreating, again, which is weird because it's almost summer with lovely weather and there are more than enough things and people out there to distract. yet i go home straight from work, plop on the couch and fall asleep at 8. the only thing that pulls me back in consciousness is the angry man outside on the corner yelling at the world. i wish i had that kind of energy.

there is an experiment i am thinking of trying. a gal i know said she knows a woman who smiles at everyone - it's just her thing, and it leads to a lot of results. good, bad, whatever - she gets because she gives. that's an interesting notion, but i already get enough street harassment as it is. i wonder if there is a way to selectively smile and get just the good results? also i don't think this experiment would just be beneficial for getting what you want from others - they do say that smiling, forced or no, has the power to make yourself feel better. i think it's something about flexing those muscles that releases happy ions in your brain, or something something. it's worth a shot.