killed it

i was excited to have found the troupe, to learn about set design, to build. i was excited when only a few seasons later i was asked to be the set designer. i got a sketchbook, i read the play and listened to the soundtrack. it was going to be fabulous.

now i couldn't care less. i just want it overwith, and i often think about quitting the troupe altogether. it's amazing how two people can make you hate an entire organization so much - but it's not just them. it's the whole way things were dealt with. the "i'm not gunna take sides" bullshit. right, let's pretend that everything is hunky dory and that i wasn't used as a giant doormat. by proxy, you not taking sides is basically saying that it's okay that i was used as a doormat. so yeah, fuck you too.

i know that my previous purges in life have also left me empty - lacking friends or any sort of support system. yet i find it difficult to move on and not let things bother me. what was done was wrong and the anger that i have is still there, raging very strong. if i see people again, i don't know how i'm going to act. it vaguely reminds me of when my old blog was found out - everyone in the school knew about it and was reading it. i felt so very out of control, and that everyone had an advantage over me. i'm not sure what the advantage is in this new scenario, but i think it's akin to people knowing they can hurt me and pretend like nothing happened. perhaps they think i am no one of consequence. sometimes i want to fuck them over and not do the set design, so they have to scramble to get their shit together - that'll teach them something about consequences. burn the whole place down and find something better to occupy my time.

i can't do that though. i can't punish the entire group for what only a handful of people did. i do still want to hurt someone though. yes, that would be glorious. we'll see how this fall turns out. as i get older, i have a tighter reign on my urges to bite someone's head off. hopefully i can keep it in until a key moment, released with a few choice key words - to tear down the shit that's been raging inside of me since the month of may. i hate that they've ruined this for me. i hate that i can't let it go and not ruin it myself. i guess i'm not the bigger person in this situation. oh well.