almost over

the show opens this friday. it runs two weeks. i am so fucking ready for it to be done and gone. i am tired of fighting, i am tired of losing, i am tired of people.

the director had a very determined idea about what he wanted for the set. i listened, but tried to find my own ideas. months passed and nothing came, so i relented to doing his scheme as best i could while adding my touches here and there. when i was in the workspace, i was consulted about anything built or painted. my opinion was respected and listened to because i am the set designer. i invested a lot of time and energy making everything happen according to how i saw it in my head, i dealt with a lot of stress and multiple people wanting multiple answers at once. then we moved into the theater, and the producers took over and started making changes to my design. i would go do one thing, and then come back to find that something had been changed. or find out from someone else that something i planned is no longer happening. i would question to the producers why things were changing, and get terse angry answers, in a tone that said shut up how dare you question me go away.

for days i seethed, angry at every little thing. it kept me awake at nights, it consumed my thoughts to the point of where i had to tell myself to stop. i was thinking of ways to confront, but in action the confrontations turned into pathetically voiced whys. why are you doing this to my design, to me. i would dream about grabbing the programs before opening night and blacking my name out entirely. i don't want credit for this mess. to be honest, they probably have no idea how angry i am. they probably think that everything they are doing is justified, anything to get the show on the road. oh and here's the kicker - they just tell me "the set looks great!" as a pat on the head for a job well behaved.

they got what they wanted out of me. i was a newbie, a vehicle. not brought in because of my talent but because i was easy to control. i designed the set and painted it, and from there they took it and are raping it accordingly. the creator doesn't always get to dictate how her baby gets manhandled by others. the problem of working with groups, i suppose. i have a few people on my side - the head of construction, my technical director. they side with me. they understand the reasons for the changes happening, but they are shocked at how no one is telling me anything anymore. (side note - i find it is odd how the people supporting me are men, and the ones fighting my every move and disrespecting me are women.) i see it all because i am doing running crew, chopping up dry ice for fog. wearing black and waiting in the wings for the moment that i am needed.

the costume designer (a good friend and somewhat understanding of all these issues) mentioned we go in together to get flowers for the producers. i just laughed.

so yeah. i'm ready for this to be over. designing can be fun, but never at this cost.