disturbed

the paragraph below is descriptive of violent acts towards animals, but the ones after that are not. do not click the link unless you think you can handle it. be warned.

there was a video i saw today. it was a video of a "fur farm" in china. foxes, minks, wolves - lined up in cages to be killed for their fur. yet as the video went on, it showed not the usual deplorable conditions by which the animals were contained, but rather the inhumane treatment they received upon the harvesting of their fur. as in, to subdue them they were bludgeoned with blunt objects to the head, or their bodies swung by their hind legs and their heads smashed on the ground. some had their heads stepped on. their fur was taken from their bodies while they were still alive, and they were left alive and placed in "discard" piles after their fur and skin were removed. some of these animals continued to move and struggle to survive, even with injuries to the head, even with mutilated limbs, even without their skin and fur.

i have never before seen something of this nature. i was at work when i watched this, not realizing what i was about to see. what i continue to see. i try to go about my day and my mind keeps flashing back to the images i described above. it was pure horror, and it's real. in another country this is happening, again and again. there are people that think this is okay. everyone goes about their day thinking "well that's shocking" but they continue about their day. i had to go to the workspace and paint the set for the show, and i looked around and realized it was all so stupid. all of it is so pointless. what do i do in my life that really means anything? how do people not see what this is, how are people not stopped in their tracks by this insanity? how are people not freaking out like i am?

those that know me would understand how i feel about animals, and would understand my reaction to animal cruelty. yet it doesn't seem to be that many people know me anymore. i tried to bring it up with this friend, who went about playing devil's advocate. i tried to bring it up with that friend, who quickly changed the subject and continued smiling and joking as though i had not said anything at all. it's like i don't connect with people about this huge subject that's important to me, and i hide it most of the time. the michael vick thing really set me off, starting up a stupid facebook war between acquaintances that just don't get it. now this. i am outraged, freaking out, crying, angry, shaking with rage and upset in a way i've never felt before. this is so so wrong. i love animals. i believe they are equal with human beings and exist on a different level than we do. they are trapped with us on this earth that we contaminate and we continue to harm them again and again. i don't know how to explain, or why i bother trying to explain to others. some just don't get it or value them as i do.

how we get by. i know my mind is going to desensitize. i know i was raised comfortably and softly. i like things tender and cute and sweet and safe. i have never fought for anything in my life and wouldn't know the first thing about starting now. should i change everything to save the animals? pack up? move to china, yell in english to chinese people that their way of life is wrong? i can't even begin to see it as right. there are no rationalizations in my mind that work for this, so don't even try to make sense with me. i haven't been shaken this badly before, i haven't been left with this searing image in my mind that leaves me in tears. everyone has a core, their main love and their main defense. everyone can be broken.