what's next

so i thought out shit with others, or as best could be figured, and now it's just me. i know for a while that things have been stagnant. that there are things that i do to be momentarily happy, dating and cooking and watching movie after movie after movie. yet there are other more important things i should be doing to get myself out of this state of nothing. the fact that i don't do it, that i don't buckle down and study or job hunt or work on my portfolio... i'm just sort of burying my head in the sand. wasting time and digging deeper. i don't really know how to shake this, to wake up and get onto the right mode. usually it's deadlines that will get my butt in gear, but there is nothing like that. there are no unemployment fears spurring me on like there was was last year. there are five years left to pass my exams, which is just large enough to not concern me or drive me to focus. i barely scrape by every month, but the bills get paid and the debts stay the same. there are things i want and opportunities that i deny myself - travel mostly, a new winter coat, dental care. i think about these things from time to time and just put it off for someday down the road. eventually, right?

i'm starting to think that eventually won't really come unless i do something, but where the fuck to find that motivation. then i got jealous, of a friend that is going to build a house on a vacant lot next to his current house. he knows how to do this, or most of it, and he's not an architect. he has the money and he just does it, digs right in. fucking hell. i want a house. i don't want to own one, i want to build one. i want to dig a fucking hole in the ground, and learn about drain tiles and foundations and fucking attack from the bottom up. i want to do it, i want to draw and build it. i want to learn new things and fuck shit up and figure out how to do it right for next time. i want to be involved with every aspect and i want to work start to finish for years.

i don't think i can do this here, not in this city, not with my debts, not with my current job and limits of knowledge that i've hit there. i need to work on different projects. i need to get out from behind the computer and build with my own hands before this carpal tunnel takes them completely. i'm kind of just floundering around, doing the day to day zombie grind, making a mess, not really doing or thinking properly. i already know what i need to do. i just don't know why i won't start. like fucking do it already. just fucking do it, go, get moving you stupid sad sack of lazy shit. go go go. yeah okay i hear you. yet i'm just sort of, i dunno, shrugging. so what's next. fuck, shrug, i dunno, shrug, shit. head scratch.

it's late. going to bed. will deal with this shit later. sidenote, completely unrelated - don't makeout with a dude to the point that your lips get visibly bruised. ease up there, tiger. you're not gunna find what you're looking for in the back of his mouth.