shaking nostalgia

i'm finding it hard to work myself back to a friend zone with someone. there is the hard part of hearing from friends what that person is up to, and the act of eventually seeing them with someone else. i've come to realize i don't like giving someone access to that level of vulnerability and then be forced to revert back to a lower level after. it took a lot of dealing with fear to allow anyone up there in the first place. now there is resentment at being left alone at that level, at them seeing what they've seen and then gone on with that intimate information in mind. knowing me too well and having that degree of power.

the difficult part about this is being an adult, behaving appropriately and doing as required. he wants to be friends, pushing for it from the moment things ended. out of sight out of mind has always worked best for me. i said i needed time, but i get weak and feel bad as though i'm treating him mean and ruining what actually is a good friendship. at the same time, every time we talk we slide back into the comfortable way it was before and i get sad again, i feel the fool for filling the void he has until he finds whatever the hell he's gone on looking for in someone else. so i pull away again, hiding, and then he comes round wanting to know how he can fit into my schedule. i make up excuses of busyness, other plans, another life. i feign moving on and time gone by and nothing bothering me. it's not that i actually want to be in it again or a rewind on the tape, it's that i need so much time - more than usual - for the last shred of this ridiculousness to fade. i expel these silly thoughts, this bitterness, this regret onto this page. here you go, you deal with it. i've had enough for now.