unsent draft no 7

i know you're strong

i don't like what my imagination is doing, it's betraying in the worst way and it doesn't seem to shut off. the rational thoughts are cancelled out by soft notions of what was, what could be - when really, we all know very well what's going to happen. focus is hard to attain, there is no level reality in which to find bearings. constantly lying, contriving, manipulation of self all contribute to this mess. and it's cyclical, again and again not making any sense.

i want to get back to where i was radiant on my own, not in the shadow of a false possibility. i have to release hope in order to return, but i can't seem to let go. maybe because nothing has been said, final confirmation or rejection hasn't been given. i'm just working off of silence and time... which should be enough, right? the control freak in me doesn't like existing in limbo.