in need of something else

i haven't been on a date in ages.. i deleted my match acct and haven't really looked back. nothing about doing so has bothered me until the other night when i went out to dinner with my friend and her bf. they are a new york power couple - always on the run, lots to do, people to see, money to make. they're doing well, financially and romantically. it was good to see them until my friend asks me the dread question "so how's the dating going?" when i informed her that i wasn't dating anymore, it took me 15 minutes to deal with the questions that followed and to explain that i wasn't ruining my chances of happiness, etc. i never catch this grief from any of my other friends, or even my parents for that matter. it was worse to have it coming from someone so clearly content in their relationship... as though i failed to do as well as her or something.

my thoughts after that were just that i'm different from her and that's okay with me. i know she just wants to see me happy (or happier?) but making it a mission to find a man isn't really going to do that for me.

on another note, related to this personal happiness... my job security is not looking so good and i find out monday what's really going to happen. i've spruced up my resume and am currently working on my portfolio and looking at other companies. this is actually a very stressful time for me. some days i don't have energy and curling in a ball to cry sounds like the best plan. i've built up this pressure in my head to find a job as good as this one has been, and that's a tall order. it's time to progress my career but i don't know what i want or where i should end up or even what type of architecture i want to do. i start thinking back to my thesis, and how i fucked that up, and for some reason i still think over my ideas and feel so strongly about them. daydreaming about what i really care about and how there is nothing like that out in the real world today...

then i have these dreams, either these nightmares about work or these blissful imaginings of places i could design and write about but i don't, but this one that comes back and haunts me again and again. i wrote notes about it this morning but there is this fear of where does that even go, will it still be blissful if i try to push it into creation...

i'm not one who handles change well, not when i'm not ready for it. so many things are out of my control right now, so i have to do what i can to keep myself afloat.