massive fail

failed my first licensing exam. it cost $210, and $35 each time i rescheduled (twice). that's $280 gone. there is no why, there is only failure. there are also six other exams to take, and a retake of this one after the waiting period is over.

i understand that the multiple choice part of the test is a way to gauge a large group of people's ability to retain information regarding a particular subject. i understand i have a lot of issues with the way questions are worded, and that while attempting to answer these questions i have questions myself. it's not about studying more - what it boils down to is a guessing game, or rather knowing how to figure out which answer they best want to hear. less about knowing architecture, more about mind games. i get that.

what i don't get is the drawing vignette. for one, it is a dumbed down version of autocad. for two, drawings are merely representations of what you mean to build. everyone has their own methods for doing this - there is no right or wrong so long as your intent is clear. yet that is not how this works. there are rules to their program that you have to follow. they don't tell you these rules - you have to guess, talk to other people, etc. i thought i followed all the rules, i practiced and researched how everyone else had done it before but i stilled failed it. this is where i am baffled. i know what i drew would work in the real world, but this isn't real. it's just an exam. it's just a hurdle i have to jump in order to be considered official. but how do you jump a hurdle when they don't tell you why you failed? how can you win the game when there are no reasons given for failure and how can you keep playing when it's so expensive?

if you can't pass exams, you can't get licensed. if you don't get licensed you don't get respect. i feel stuck, frustrated, and angry. angry to have come so far to get blocked by such a contrived system that is erected to regulate and maintain yet has no sentience or connection to how architecture actually works. i also feel like i'm suffocating. i went this path because it was laid out for me. i'm not going to quit just because it's difficult, but it's getting to the point where it requires me to operate in a way that is so contrary to how i work. i question, i discover, i build knowledge cumulatively. i have so many doubts about there being a one right answer for something so subjective and it angers me that this is an end all be all.

it also angers me that it has upset me this much. put so much effort into something and then am told i'm not worthy. trying to tell myself that worthiness is not accurately measured via exam... but oh how i would love to be worthy and be done with all this bullshit once and for all. i still want it, regardless of my failure. i'll still play the game, i'll still struggle and hand over hundreds of dollars that i can't really afford to give. all for the sake of a tiny rubber stamp that i'm never going to use.