were you ever in love with someone?

excerpts from a conversation with a friend

there have been moments where i get really stupid. i mean in hindsight i refer to it as being stupid, not as being in love. as wanting to be loved, so to speak. nothing is ever official or long term. it's just infatuations, really. but what is love? (oh baby don't hurt me)

is it love when the other person doesn't love you back?
is it love when you are really lonely and just want someone to be with?
is it love when it's long distance?

who knows. i think love is just when you let yourself go and trust someone with every bit of your being. how they decide to deal with it is up to them.

and really, there isn't any one specific person that stood out as the one and only. i think in the end what i get away from it is that it's more about me and what limitations i come across about myself and why i need people so badly. how i can be better, on my own. the longer i stay single the harder it is for me to imagine my life with someone.

sometimes when i listen to some music it makes me want to be in a relationship... but i feel like i have gone through so many years of movies, tv, books, and music that have repeatedly convinced me to want someone. when really, that is not something to want. it just happens when it happens if it happens - otherwise there are better things to do with the little time we have left. yet years of hearing how great love is from all sorts of media is hard to completely ignore. you see it around you everywhere, everyone takes part in some way or another. societal expectations all pointing in the same direction. i don't know why i question what other directions, what other purpose to this existence. i just know this is it and there has to be something other than constant dead ends and failures.

sometimes i am happy when i'm alone. not on birthdays, or valentines day, or new years... but regular days are good days. i really only want to be with someone once in a blue moon. i am a serial single person. sometimes friends i haven't seen in a while ask me if i'm seeing anyone and it's like... dude, i'll tell you if i'm seeing someone. i'll shout it from the rooftops. you'll know because the sky will be falling.

though i don't think i want to live in a world where i have to change so much to avoid chunks of sky that would crush me. i dunno, maybe that's me not wanting to deal with pain again. i kind of like this world, watching the floating clouds drifting by overhead while my feet are firmly planted to this reality. maybe floating around trying cling to a cloud is a form of happiness for some, but i like to think that there may be are other kinds of happiness down here too.