i need something other

and then on my bike ride home there were the thoughts about energy. how much energy to pedal, how much effort to breathe, to coordinate eyes and legs and hands all in perfect unison to make the magical act of flying through the neighborhood. how each day becomes more perfect than the one before, with muscles attuned to perfect pitch.

how much of me it takes to ascend to a great thing. or descend. anger can be encompassing. a speech can be remembered, the moment of confrontation waited for with built anxiety and bizarre excitement with the unavoidable chance for fumble. plans never working out as drawn, the target doesn't care or react as predicted - and all for what. for WHAT. to give more of myself? to waste it? on you? why?

i love what i thought during that bike ride, how it cleared my head and made me realize. i need that energy, for other things. for the things i do, for the things i've yet to do. for the things i've put aside for someone else's sake. i need something other than a garbage can for the used tissues that are the many men that come and go in my life. i hope this moment of clarity can be sustained.