why are you kind to me

this stuck out in conversation on a rooftop at a party amongst a crowd of people and a dark sky and the fumbling rush of alcohol. why am i kind, coming up with an answer takes time. so i think. i think because one of the types of people i gravitate to are those that are suns, the emanating happy ones that should be unbelievable but are so continuous and sincere in their constant giving. they are rare and people look to them. the smile, the energy, the presence. it is such a contrast to myself, my dead pan distance fully enclosed self contained system - let in the sun, this counterpoint which can make for an interesting rhythm if everything aligns. so i go there, seeking out that power in a way to fuel my own. i want to be it, but i only hit there once in a while, manic and flying. i give because i want to be in those shoes, to naturally radiate. i cannot control what comes in, but i can control what i send out. i want to care. i do want to love, at some point, even if it only happens through friendship family or friends. some is better than none, right?