digging a bigger hole to get a bigger shovel

as some of you know i have this debt. this debt is about the size of the grand canyon. i dug this debt canyon when i was in grad school and i have slowly been throwing pebbles into the canyon. not much difference can be seen. actually, the difference now is that the canyon is looking more and more like a black hole.

so, i dug this myself. it's all me and my responsibility. if i lose my job in january (looking more and more likely) then i will have to go on unemployment while i job hunt. UE will pay $1000 less a month than i make now. maybe even less. that $1000 is typically what i throw towards the black hole - you know, to make it happy and to keep from sucking me in and eating me alive. so, minus the job, minus that money... leaves me with very little options. fortunately government loans have unemployment deferment. unfortunately, private loans offer no such relief. there is forbearance - something i have been working to avoid as that just makes the black hole even bigger and more powerful. it's probably my only option at this point.

anyway. so, as a way to fight back while i am unemployed and job hunting i will study for the ARE. if i pass all 7 exams, i can then pay to get licensed. i will then be awarded a little rubber stamp that i will never ever use. hopefully though with the license and maybe even an AIA label next to my name, i can get paid more. (the AIA has its own special smaller blackhole which you feed with your fees.) with all this - in theory - i will be able to buy a bigger shovel, with which i can adequately feed both black holes' neverending appetite. all that matters anymore is making sure that it does not consume me whole.

i used to have a few things i wanted. big things. like a piano. a dog. winter boots. maybe they seem like little things to some people. i guess as time goes on and those ideas get further and further away, they do look pretty small. maybe someday it'll get to a point where i won't care about wanting those things. for now i do care, and i throw pity party posts. all are invited to join my party (potluck of course), just don't get too close to the edge - else the hungry black hole beast will suck you in.