my mind on my money, my money on my mind

fudge popcicles for breakfast is probably not the best idea, but what can you do on a budget like mine? it's amazing how obsessed with food and counting change i become at times like this. i'm going through the cupboards, looking at every thing that i usually ignore and seeing it as a possibility to eat. all the cereal has been eaten and the pasta/sauce is almost depleted. three more pbj sandwiches before that's gone. we're down to the random tub of oatmeal, jar of honey, and box of spaghetti - try making a meal out of that. in the freezer i notice bags and bags of frozen vegetables that have been untouched for centuries that could become my dinner tonight. eating less is probably a good thing anyway.

it's difficult to hang out with people because even if you warn that you can't spend any money, something always comes up that requires it. i have to parse down the difference between what i really need and what i just want but can't have. so i've given up on others and been going solo lately, doing free things. 40 mile bike ride yesterday that kicked my ass. volunteering today. drawing and collaging for the art exchange w/ my friend. i have a stack of books to read and a park nearby to read them in. so i'm trying to stay active and not get bummed about missing out on summer or the places i could go if only. i could be in LA, surfing. i could be in colorado for my friend's 30 birthday. i could be in europe, seeing it for the first time. it sucks that i'm almost 30 years old and i'm still going through this. i have no savings just in case. i'm living like a college student even though i've been out of school over two years now. the thing that depresses me is this budgeting isn't about saving up with a glorious goal to be achieved in the end like travel, it's about how i stopped being able to tread water and i'm just trying to break to the surface so i can breathe again. i am in trouble. i'm trying to work through it. the next few months are going to be rough.