answer

would i date myself?

probably not.

we'd have the same tastes in things, which would be great, but a lot of what i like about interacting with other people is the surprise factor - being introduced to something new that i like and thus expanding my palette. i get stuck in a rut a lot of times and only by coincidence do i end up finding new things on my own. i'd want someone who is always searching, trying - so i don't have to!

i'm too moody. while i love my highs, and actually love my lows - i wouldn't want to be around me when i'm down. i find it hard to be supportive to someone who cries all the time. that could be considered hypocritical, but really i'm out of it only a few days every other month. (it just gets emphasized here on the blog because this is my outlet.) i have a horrible, nasty temper that lashes out from time to time and i sure as hell wouldn't put up with some of the shit i dish out. (then again it may be amusing - briefly - to dish it right back.) another bad trait is i get defensive and shut people out, and often when i am shut out i get sulky as though i did something wrong instead of pushing my way back in. so if i was dating me it just wouldn't work.

i need someone who makes me smile more than i usually do. someone who can give the space and intrude when necessary. someone who doesn't talk too much or over me, but knows how to fill the silence when it isn't comfortable or when i'm in listening mode. someone who can laugh at my goofy moments instead of admonishing me for being young and happy. someone who can join me, dance with me, play with me. i also need someone who is sexually alive and can awaken that in me as well (as it is something i usually keep carefully controlled and put aside) without making it the center of what is between us. someone smart and externally resourceful that can counterbalance my tendency to rely on my intuition and personal logics.

i don't really know much more than that. i'm not sure what he would look like, or what his vices would be or the things he does that would drive me crazy but i'd love him anyway. it's actually something i haven't given much thought lately - until this post anyway - which is why the question struck me. maybe it's that i'm thinking about other things and don't have space for this right now. maybe it's that i get enough romantic satisfaction by all the movies, tv shows, and books that i consume. perhaps i have given up on the idea for myself altogether, so why layout a detailed list for santa to deliver when in truth santa does not exist?