when to rock the boat

the building that i live in is not in the best neighborhood, but it's not in the worst neighborhood. it's on the border between light and darkness, good and evil, heaven/hell, etc. whatever opposing forces you can think of that's about where i live. actually black/white is probably the most accurate - gentrification at its best (worse). overall it's not bad - it's brooklyn, and it's all i can afford. sure, there are muggings on the front stoop and in the stairwell, sure there is too much yelling on the street and occasional gunfire and cops swarming in on neighborhood brawls. but the apartment is spacious (if falling apart a little) and i'm happy with it. i'd love to live elsewhere for the sake of experiencing elsewhere, but this is a good deal. even moreso now that i have found access to our rooftop. this excites me more than anything - seeing the world from above, a different kind of breeze, a different kind of sun. there are taller buildings around us, but i can see manhattan and a very very tiny statue of liberty. this makes all the problems of our building worthwhile.

lately though, there have been some tenants complaining about problems in our building - the super has been keeping pitbulls in the central lightwell space, we no longer have access to that area as he has claimed it as his own, the lock on the front door often breaks so anyone can come in off the street. the halls aren't kept rigorously clean, the paint in the hallway is peeling, the super doesn't show up to repair stuff when he says he will, etc. etc. typical nyc living situation. i actually think we have it better compared to some of the nightmares i've heard about. yet my neighbors aren't happy, my roommates aren't happy. no one can be content with what they are given, so they have started to complain to the management company. i have a feeling that these complaints will be heard but not listened to, and in order to make the changes to make this place "liveable" (accord to whose standards) it will cost us. we don't have security cameras or a doorman, and those things cost. our apartment is rent stabilized, and i worry - if people complain enough about the condition of things, how long before the landlord uses the 30 day eviction notice to kick us out, renovate our place, and rent it out at twice the price? for example when a gal moved out of a one bedroom down the hall, they came in to clean up, and now it's going for only $300 less than my three bedroom. just imagine how much more they could make if they kick us out. i can't afford first/last month's rent and a deposit at a new place. if i got kicked out, i don't have a boyfriend i can stay with, and i can't really couch surf with a cat. there is no way i would put her back in the shelter.

i just don't think we should be making so much noise. i am content with the way things are, and yes it would be nice to live in a better building but you know what? you pay for what you get, and i don't want to pay anymore than i am already paying now. there is a tenant meeting tomorrow night that neither of my roommates can attend, so they are putting it on me to show up and give a shit. i don't want to give a shit. you can't make me give a shit. i'm going to hold this shit in until i turn purple.


on another note but similar theme, i was at a bbq picnic where there was a couple that steered the conversation. a loud "look at me" couple that dominated the popular opinion and most nodded their heads or made jokes accordingly so as to not offend those in charge. the sort of people that wave raw meat in my face making yummy noises because they know i'm a vegetarian and they think that's the funniest and most original thing ever. anyway, i am quickly disgusted with these people but refrain from getting too involved in any conversation. they are quick to regale a story of a guy they know who often wears cutoff shorts and a baggy tank top - the kind where you can see his chest hair and giant armholes that go down to the waist. i can visualize this person clearly. i am so irritated at this point - not just with the couple but the general nodding head mass of everyone else that i break in to say "i don't see anything wrong with cutoff shorts." i got a narrow eyed glare from my roommate who doubts my claim. i blinked at her, innocently daring her to defy my statement. you really think you can defy what i say? to tell me what i believe and don't believe in? go for it, i fucking dare you.

i think the reason the hair raises on my skin when i hear of fashion police attacks like this is because i am reminded of skinny jeans. not the skinny jeans that are so popular now, but the skinny jeans i wore back in high school because wide legs were the thing of the day and there i was with no fashion sense whatsoever. my body developed so quickly and i couldn't afford all new clothes. these tight fitting pants were the bane of my existence - oh yes, i am familiar with the same sort of jeering/snobbery that i heard at this bbq. i refused to participate in it. no matter how much we may think something is out of style or uncool, you never know. i find people that dress bizarrely to be more interesting to me - perhaps because i was so out of it then and spent too much effort trying to fit in, perhaps because my brother was worse than me and never bothered to conform. i just have a soft spot for weirdos. not the type of people who try hard to be weird, who dress off kilter and wear moon boots because they saw napoleon dynamite and realized irony was the way to go. i'm talking about the hopeless cases, the ones who just don't get it and what i now realize is probably a good thing - because i got it, i tailored myself to make the teasing stop.

in a way i want to save and shield them from taunting, in another way it's not just about clothes or people being mean. when you change how you look, you often subconsciously start to change how you think. you start regarding people for their appearance more than you used to, and in so doing you miss out on things. i want to prevent this from happening, i want to preserve them and their unique way of thinking. as though by defending them i could somehow go back to the younger version of me and say "hey, relax. in the long run things are gunna be okay. these people suck and you're never going to see them again. your tight pants are going to be cool in 15 years. hang onto them so i have something to wear."