the smile experiment

apparently, not only do i not smile enough for people, but i carry a scowl on my face that makes me unapproachable? which is weird to me, because for the most part i'm pretty much mellow, not happy but not upset. you'd think my face would convey that better, right? "You don't smile but you are content" to quote a favorite movie. perhaps i drive people away sitting in such a position, conveying as i do. it's almost a miscommunication and i wonder - am i missing out, is life passing me by? while at times i can't stand hearing people speak, on the flip side what i want from life is for it to be full. to meet people, make friends, to find love, and all those other little things that require the company of someone besides myself.

so last night i decided to give it a go and smile at people - all night long. a smile is a wonderous thing. i like control. a free drink from a bartender. a boy telling me i'm pretty, radiant, wonderful, hovering so much i am nauseated but secretly laughing, drunk with power. stepping away from the wall and the flowers, always having someone to talk to, never hating being where i was for even a moment. "you like me, you really like me." alcohol helps, sure, but the smile reeled it all in. the only disconcerting part is the fakery of it all. i'm not sure i could hold it up permanently, but it is certainly interesting watching everyone change and dance for me. dance, my puppets, step one two.