another grave, another dollar, another day

to be honest, there is a bit of anxiety. the reason i got all freaked out about getting a clarinet is that the theater group found out that i play(ed) and wanted to know if i could do it for this fall show. i said sure, okay. do you play well? have you played in any shows or groups before? i bluff and say that i'm pretty good, let's give it a shot. let me audition. between you and me, here's the real truth - i haven't played in band since i was 17, and it's been off and on since then. my clarinet was stolen on my move to new york, so i haven't touched it at all in over two years.

my mind gets deadlocked. i race around town trying to find a clarinet. i'm thinking i can rent, but there is nothing that is high quality enough for my snobby ass that will do, so i end up having to buy. i buy at the wrong place, end up taking it back, buy at another place for double the price/quality. i bring it home, i start playing. it sounds okay, but... it's just okay. the truth is i hear myself and i hate it. blame the instrument doesn't work for that long. i'm not an expert, or the perfection that i have built up in my mind of who i could be. i'm still that amateur kid that didn't practice enough but had enough natural talent to scrape by just ahead of everyone else's mediocrity. that was high school. this is now. these people are professionals, and want professional results.

there is a kind of dialogue, or excuse i want to give when i go into this audition. something along the lines of "i haven't had a chance to get back into it" or "it's been a bit, so if you're looking for something more professional it's okay to say so." something along those lines. like, i'm sorry i lied about my experience and i'm to waste your time, but i wanted to give it a shot just in case you think i'm good enough.

so there's that guilt. there is the trap that i could escape all this if only i would just say some excuse like "my clarinet is broken, i don't have $ to fix it, i can't play for you, please find someone else" but running from that trap leads me right to the trap of the clarinet i just purchased. for a reason. for the reason of getting back into music again. yet i am thinking that maybe there is just a limit, to one's own capacity when they aren't doing something professionally for a living. a certain cutoff point where you just won't get any better without significant effort. the difference between an amateur and a pro - maybe i am just at that point, and it isn't worth it. i know there are problems with my throat and tensing up when i play, and that it effects my breathing and makes it hard to play for extended periods of time. that my sound could improve if only i could figure out how to breathe with my diaphram. i know all this, i get it i get it - yet i don't get it. it's a mystery, it's tiny details i'm missing, pieces to the puzzle, extra difficult effort that will take years to execute, if then, if that could happen, who knows the actual results. there are no guarantees.

i'm just feeling bad about this risk i'm taking. about looking like an ass in front of someone because i didn't want to miss out on a chance by admitting my limits up front. for lying on my resume, so to speak. you can sort of talk your way around it, but when it comes to demonstrating your skills people can see right through you. i thought i'd give it a shot but the anxiety about it won't go away. i have a few xanax in my drawer, i could try taking that i guess. or i could try to figure a way out of this hole i've dug. why do i keep doing this, these holes, these dead end places with more payback than i can handle?

tomorrow i go hunting reeds. blaming the reeds, not me. needing music to play, not just scales. practice practice practice. fuck.