fuck you salliemae, and your little dog too

so i decided to no longer apply for forebearances on my private loans. i thought i need to dig in and pay these things off. i can make some sacrifices. no new clothes for a few years, no eating out, etc. i was so proud of myself these past few months by my lack of spending. yet after all this good, my loans come out of deferment and forebearance and i find out that apparently i make too much money now so i no longer qualify for ANY deferments on my student loans. (this is what i get for being honest on my application about what i make.) deferments were less sinful than forebearance, and were helpful in keeping a little cash in pocket so i could see the occasional movie, or you know, to buy food to eat. the way they calculate whether you qualify isn't fair as they work off your monthly income before taxes - the actual money that i have in hand, to pay these goddamn loans, is a lot less than that. i'm still not done paying off my dental work, amongst other bills. i haven't even tried to budget anything because i know the end result it isn't going to be good. so fuck you, salliemae. fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you.

sometimes i wish i hadn't gone to the expensive private grad school that i did. sometimes i wish i had worked and saved to go to state school, stayed in colorado and finished my masters in a year. granted it would have driven me nuts to never leave colorado, but hey at least i wouldn't be in a debt grave the size of the grand canyon! my life would be very different... i never would have met the people i did, or surfed, or gone to australia, or even thought about the possibility of new york. i wonder what i would have done to satiate the urge to escape, to stay and be responsible. what would it have been like? would i have nice things? a car and a tv and maybe the possibility of purchasing a home? would i be happy with all that money and all that stuff? or was going to that school - as financially unprepared as i was - worth the sacrifice that i am going to be making for many many years to come?